a possible miscarriage

i have had four periods since river was born, and they have been two months apart, one month apart, and two and a half months apart. the cycle that is happening now is very different from the others, in that i had cramping, lower back pain, heavier bleeding, and clotting. the clotting is what makes me think i had [am having?] a miscarriage. the more i think about it, the more signs point toward a miscarriage, so i figured if this was a real pregnancy, i should at least write about it and honor the tiny life that was, if only for a few weeks.

about three weeks ago, i started having bad lower back pain and very sore and sensitive nipples, like i did when i was pregnant with river, and this is what first led me to believe i might be pregnant. however, since i have taken two pregnancy tests since he was born, i decided i did not want to go through the anticipation [or spend the money] of taking another, and if was pregnant, then i was pregnant, and i would find out in due time. i have also been gaining a slight amount of weight, three to five pounds, and feeling very bloated. i thought this could be for two reasons -- river is eating more solids [but is still nursing all day and night, so i didn't really believe it had to do with that], and i figured i might be starting my period soon. however, the bloating lasted two weeks, and alas, no bleeding. the forth cue may seem kind of funny, but i have been craving jalapeños like a crazy woman, and that's exactly what happened early on in my pregnancy with river. i mean, jalapeños on everything - sandwiches, eggs, chicken. i am guessing that if i did have a miscarriage, i was about six or seven weeks along. early enough to have those symptoms, but not far enough into it to start feeling nauseous and have a super sensitive sense of smell.

i feel like i should write about any emotions i have, but i don't have any. i feel like i should. but, i don't really care. i didn't really know for sure if i was pregnant, and sort of doubted it, despite all the signs. even if i was, we weren't trying for a baby - of course, if i found out i was, i would be so excited, and just devastated if it ended in a miscarriage.

i'm reflective. i dig deep to try to find some sort of emotion, and i find a bit of sadness because well, if it was a miscarriage, that was my child - a little life that is now lost. but mostly i find guilt for not crying, or being angry, or hurting at all.

it's very strange to place myself in the group of women who've lost little ones in the womb. i don't even feel like i can justify giving myself that name, for a number of reasons. first of all, i'm not 100% sure i had a miscarriage, second, i don't feel sadness, and third, it was so early in the pregnancy that i didn't even know a difference. when my mom miscarried at 6 weeks when i was 17, i cried and cried. i'm sure if i had taken a pregnancy test and it said positive, i would be crying. but i'm not. i don't want sympathy, or even a "oh, whitney... i'm so sorry." because like i said, i feel hardly a thing at all.

mostly, thankful for the gift my baby boy is, and the amazing time i have had with him the past year, and wondering what would have been had this baby lived and was born and grew.